A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
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When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me: