This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
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Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
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ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.