We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
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You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
doing some research
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.