why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
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Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Still laughing at this stupid meme
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Worst bar ever.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Challenge accepted.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.