People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
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Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
crazy
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.