I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
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“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”