[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
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“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
welp
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
calling in to work dehydrated
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.