caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
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11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
be careful
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s