I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
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I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”