I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
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@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.