Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
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Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices