“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
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My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
それは草
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach