*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
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kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
I bet
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.