I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
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My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name