i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
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when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.