Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
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I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Happy Febuary everyone!
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.