You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
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I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”