[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
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Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.