DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
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I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
A French press is when you hug naked
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.