her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
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Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”