Sounds about right! 💯
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Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu