9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
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boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work