My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
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Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night