Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
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Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I gave up going to work for lent.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.