*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
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Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Sounds like a bargain
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
i hate you platonically
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Best spoiler warning ever
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.