Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
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doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?