I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
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living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
the way this pissed me off… 😭
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
every single time
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god