Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
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SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.