Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
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#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?