Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
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Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
S/o to @funTweeters .
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?