“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
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The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
SPLOOT
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
i baked you a cake
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.