For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
You Might Also Like
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…