I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
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Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.