has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
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me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
December birthdays be like…
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.