Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
You Might Also Like
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
A new level of troll.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing