*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
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Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
My love language is deader than Latin
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.