If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
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her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
“just sayin” who asked you though?
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Oh yeah that’s it
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”