The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
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Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
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{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.