“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
You Might Also Like
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.