I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
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lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.