English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
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Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.