Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
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I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.