I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
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I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.