I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
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draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
I need this for my side hustle.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]