The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
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I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Lol.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.