My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
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this is the best interaction on twitter
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”