Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
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Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Erm…
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.