I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
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i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
getting groceries
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher