I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
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*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.