[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
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Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC